It’s been said that ‘Pride goeth before the fall…’

to paraphrase proverbs

You may look at some and think that Pride goeth before the fall (meaning a comeuppance is due) but for me, I fell and then found my pride.

a very long time ago

There were never any real expectations of grandeur for me when I was growing up. I came from hard working parents and grandparents, none of whom had a formal education. I was always encouraged to go after whatever I wanted but there really wasn’t a lot to choose from in my world.

I did well in school without a lot of effort. Up until my 11th year I enjoyed school. Once in high school though it felt like it was more about a popularity contest than the learning. I had been working full time (along with a couple of part time jobs) since I was 16. I knew that once I graduated and turned 18 I would move out into a place of my own and continue earning a living waiting tables. I tried looking into college but was told by the counselors that unless my parents worked for a specific company then grants and scholarships weren’t available. There was no one to advocate for me (and I didn’t expect there to be) and I didn’t know any better. There was no money for college without it so I was ready to jump into “adulting”.

after graduation

Jump forward another year (attended under protest) and I graduated. I had been saving and buying dishes, linens and the like since I was 15. Three days after graduation I moved into my rented house. Two weeks after that my parents sold their house and moved 250 miles away.

on my own

Over the years there have been some that found it odd and crazy that I would be out on my own at 18. In my mind, that’s just what you did.

I waited tables at a popular restaurant in town working double shifts, split shifts and most days all day and night. There were many times that I would start the evening knowing that I needed enough tips to pay the electric bill and would end up trading sections to stay later if I failed to make what I needed. You just did what you had to do.

The first year I managed to actually save $750. I truly thought I was on my way. I believe I have mentioned how much I love Christmas and buying presents. Yep, you guessed it. I spent all of that money on presents and bills. My first lesson.

lesson #1

The next months after Christmas became problematic. There was a Hepatitis breakout in the city. It affected the colleges as well as a number of the businesses. Our staff at that time was made up of a lot of the college kids. A local radio station spread the word that our restaurant was the culprit. It wasn’t, but by the time that was figured out the damage was done and business plummeted.

A few lean months later we were in the heat of summer and our air conditioner went out. Business once again became almost non-existent. Those were some lean days. I paid the bills somehow. I learned what it felt like to go hungry and was left with a gut wrenching fear that never quite left me completely. And, I learned my first lesson. Always prepare for a rainy day.

a turning point

Life goes on. It is so difficult to see beyond the day to day and imagine how you could possibly do anything different. You get so busy with survival that anything extra is just a dream. I’m not sure that that ever really changes. It just shifts the context. What I did know was that I felt like my brain was stagnating. Kind of like my life at the time. I had been dating a not-so-nice guy whom I found out had cheated on me. Being me (the then me, not the now me) I forgave him. But I still remember looking at him and saying, “I’m just biding my time. I am going to get my body in shape and then my mind in shape, and then I’m going to dump you.”

A few months later I had dropped 25 lbs and enrolled in college. I was on my way! (Oh! and I dumped his sorry a$$)

those rainy days

College opened up a whole new world for me. I craved learning. I also craved sleep and still needed to pay the bills. I remember having to purchase a set of books at the time. They cost me $100. That was an unthinkable amount. I did it and carried them around in the trunk of my car to each job I held after that. It was a good investment although it didn’t feel like it then. I was 23 when I started college. Once again, odd man out. But I did it! I was on my way now. Until I wasn’t.

When I applied to college and was trying to determine what career to pursue, I was assured that the market for this particular profession was wide open and in high demand. I’m not saying that I was misled but there must have been a seismic shift in availability during my 2 year run. You guessed it! No jobs. So-o-o, I fixed my makeup, put on a comfortable pair of shoes, typed up a resume’ and headed out door to door to every clinic, hospital that had an xray machine. I offered my services as PRN in any capacity, any time frame. I did some various tours until I was able to find full time work. A rural hospital in the mountains, in a land that time forgot.

more lessons to come

That wasn’t the last place nor the worst that I’ve worked over the years. The next one was a little more progressive but barely. I lasted 5 years. I worked all 3 shifts (sometimes all in the same week). I was making $7/hour. A mere step up from my $2/hour as a waitress. I put up with being mentally abused, physically. But I didn’t let them beat me. When I left most came by and wished me well and commented that they knew the road had not been easy. They had seen what had occurred. I thanked them and commented, “yes, you knew. But no one said a thing to make it stop”. My second lesson. It isn’t always enough to be a good person and people won’t always do the right thing.

lights and tunnels

Things began to look up after that. I got a job with a great boss, super hours and a roller coaster ride of craziness. I was given the opportunity to work with my secret love…computers! That lasted 2 years until she left town on another adventure. Rennie was in my life by then and I had bought a house. Following wasn’t an option.

There were other crappy jobs but they got the bills paid (barely). But another lesson I learned was that I wasn’t going to ever allow anyone to walk over me like they once had. I would take everything I could learn and turn it into something more. Was I experiencing a hint of pride? I would eventually reach (what I thought of then) as the culmination of my career. I ran an imaging center and helped build a woman’s center.

I was beginning to see a light!

picking myself up

That job taught me a lot. When interviewed for the job they asked the inevitable question..What makes you the right person? I was as honest as I knew how to be. I told them that ‘I had seen leadership done very well and I had seen it done very badly’.

I like to think that I learned something from both. I try to take away something from all of life’s experiences. I worked 50-60 hour weeks and made a whole lot of overtime pay.

Life wasn’t over and it still held a bunch of surprises. Some good and some not. Somewhere along the way I found (or built) my true self. I found pride in accomplishment, pride in a job well done and pride in holding true to my core beliefs.

resilience or perseverance

Over the years it has taken retrospection in most cases to realize what I have accomplished. And that is o.k. I think it helped me keep on striving for more. I read a book once about resilience. There was a line in it that said that resilience wasn’t about bouncing back but more about stretching and coming back. I think that without perseverance there is no resilience.

“Crying uncle” or giving up is not and never has been in my vocabulary. I have been at, what seemed like at the time, rock bottom. Another lesson is that no matter how far down you think you’ve traveled there is always a little further you can go.

The best lesson though, should be this. A little pride can go a long way. No matter how far you may think you have come, there can always be a little further you can go.

Standing tall (and proud) I am as always,

Sassaleeyours…