they have a disorder for that!
Good heavens. Who knew? There is actually a disorder for passive aggressive behavior according to Wikipedia.
Passive–aggressive personality disorder, also called negativistic personality disorder, is characterized by procrastination, covert obstructionism, inefficiency and stubbornness. The DSM-5 no longer uses this phrase or label, and it is not one of the ten listed specific personality disorders.
Talk about negative connotation! I thought that I knew what passive aggression was, thought that in some instances it could be healthy. According to what I’ve read that is an error. The “experts” state that this sort of behavior is cowardly and toxic. (Although the American Psychiatric Association did eventually drop it from the list. They felt that it was too broad and not easily defined). Hmm, so that got me thinking.
which one am I?
Oxford defines it this way:
According to WebMD https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/passive-aggressive-behavior-overview the term has been used as far back as WWII. Then it was referred to when soldiers had problems with authority.
Later APA (American Psychiatry Association) did attempt to redefine the term. In 2018 they published this:
passive-aggressive
adj. characteristic of behavior that is seemingly innocuous, accidental, or neutral but that indirectly displays an unconscious aggressive motive. For example, a person who constantly keeps people waiting and then is baffled at why they resent this behavior is passive-aggressively disavowing an unconscious wish to be special and to provoke those who fail to acknowledge the specialness.
LOL, Bet you were able to think of someone that definition described.
what are we really saying?
Whew! You can understand the confusion. Passive aggression in its original form and definition can be toxic. Particularly in the workplace. Today’s society recognizes and calls out in many instances those people that are guilty of bullying. In the past, that term would bring to mind a person large of stature, unkind in their demeanor, menacing. I’ve certainly been the victim of that sort of behavior. Have you? Was it physical, psychological or all of the above? Pretty easy to define when it falls under those categories.
a horse of another color
Most organizations today have committees and people in the workplace to help identify the bullies and deal with them. But what about the ones that are more clever in their approach?
I do think that in many scenarios we are too quick to call out behaviors that aren’t really as destructive as today’s societal tender feelings would lead you to believe.
And before you get all hot under the collar I would NEVER condone bullying or abuse of any kind. I’m just saying that growing a little thicker skin in some cases can be healthy as well. I would hate to permanently label someone who didn’t use the filters they should have in an isolated episode, when they simply had an “off” day.
avoiding confrontation
I have always said that I’m not afraid of conflict. I don’t seek it out but nor do I run from it. If push comes to shove I am going to stand up for myself. Ironically, I will react more quickly when the conflict affects someone else than when it is involving me.
I do passionately hate a bully. I despise the physical kind for sure but it is the tricky, manipulative master of aggression that gets the steam rolling. This is where I see the passive aggressive behavior in some (as defined originally). It’s toxic and could never be described as healthy.
“Umm, are you going to wear that?”; “You’ve got a little curl in your hair today don’t ya?” (teehee). Sound familiar? That’s passive aggressive behavior. Making someone feel badly about themselves…in the nicest way possible of course. The victim ofttimes has heard it so often they don’t even realize what is happening. They just know how it makes them feel.
avoiding conflict
Then there is the other side. Some would call it ‘picking their battles’. If you work or live with someone that enjoys the fight, or can bring the passive aggressive behavior to a whole new level, sometimes it is easier to say nothing at all. And in some moments, less is more. (check out my earlier post Defining the “F” word https://sassaleeyours.com/using-and-defining-the-f-word/
I think that with some folks, they just get weary. Weary of walking on eggshells, dodging the verbal landmines. I’ve watched people that I know become a shadow of themselves as they give into the constant barrage.
Me? I hate shouting and I hate conflict. It creates a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. So am I exhibiting passive aggression or am I avoiding conflict if I choose to say nothing at all? Am I a victim or the bigger person?
I will forever be the Don Quixote tilting at windmills so don’t ever mistakenly think that my silence is acquiescence. It could mean that I am choosing my battles wisely and will be the victor in the end. Living by my own principles and code.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!
Sassaleeyours…