The rule book
The rules of dying and mourning. There isn’t a book and if you think you know what the rules are then think again. The only rule for mourning is that there are no rules!
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross gave us the 5 stages of grieving. https://www.britannica.com/biography/Elisabeth-Kubler-Ross I can go along with some of that but even her musings, although profound , is not absolute.
The preparation
Many of us when we have someone that we care about , will think about that dreaded day of when that person is no longer around. We plan and scheme and convince ourselves that:
1) we will handle it like a champ. All our ducks in a row
OR
2) we refuse to think about it because the thought is so unbearable
OR
3) and this the best one..I’m going to go first so I don’t have to deal with it.
the reality
The reality is you are never really prepared. Long intervals of illness set you up and sometimes the myriad of feelings (relief, guilt) can overwhelm you when it is over.
Many turn to faith. That is a powerful thing if you have it. In the south people can go days bringing comfort through food and having multiple memorials and services to celebrate and honor the departed.
Some American Indian tribes cut their hair to mourn the loss of an immediate family member. (I have been known to do the same but I think that is more about gaining control)
The point is that there are no rules of dying. Or grieving or mourning. Some never can get past the loss, some manage quietly and alone and others must shout it to the rooftops.
the celebration
Celebration of life is often what you hear about today. We don’t want to dwell on the loss but more the impact that person had on those around them. For some this is a formal service with the church. Many years ago you would “sit up with the dead” for 3 days then bury them. Many devout souls believe that you can’t have a proper burial (or cremation) unless it takes place in a house of God with a man (or woman) of God speaking.
Rennie can be profound at times. He once said that the funeral and service is for the living. Think about it. How true is that? They’re gone in body. Hopefully the loved one will live on in peoples’ hearts and memories but why waste the money, time and more importantly, why drag out the misery those closest to them are already feeling? They have enough to deal with getting through the day to days that are coming.
Does it mean we love them less because there are no formal words spoken? Is St. Peter up there at the pearly gates refusing entrance because they got the wrong send off? I like the celebration of life part. Rennie wants a party where everyone will raise a glass and toast. I think that can be arranged (if I’m still around and making decisions).
the loss
Getting over it, moving on, closure. When we impose these words on those mourning however well intentioned, we come close to placing rules. And just as there are no rules of dying neither are there for the mourning.
What about who mourns? There are different kinds of loss. There is the one that immediately comes to mind, that of a dear loved one. But what if it’s a friend, a pet or a partnership? All of these require a relationship of sorts along with what usually implies some kind of affection or warm regard.
Losing these can be just as devastating depending upon how much of yourself you have invested. I say this to remind you, again, that we all process and grieve in different ways. We need to be kind to one another, respect that persons’ loss whether you understand it or not.
saying good-bye
Today I will mark a name off of my Christmas list. I and the world lost a special soul this weekend. I will not attend the service planned but instead will reminisce with others that knew her. Smile at the outpouring of stories and memories that her friends and family are sharing on social media and feel a little proud knowing her infinite capacity to share herself and to give to others.
I use to worry because she gave so much to those grieving (I feared she would lose herself) but she once explained that hopefully if she was there for others that life would pay it forward and someday when it was her time someone would be there for her. Well Linda they all are. The hundreds and hundreds of people that you have touched remember you. Rest easy my quirky cuz.
Sassaleeyours…